sessifet: (Confuzzled)
[I appreciate I kind of turn into the All Asthma All The Time channel occasionally, but this is how I learn. And it may help people who know (and presumably love) me to recognise the signs and poke me before it gets too far and I ruin the mood by being that panicky flail-y keel-over-dead person who's always such a bore at social gatherings. I don't think it'll be necessary, but one never knows.]

The annoying thing about having an asthma attack1 is how stupid I feel for not recognising it by now. I kick myself for fretting and being anxious and indulging in doom and gloom thinking and oh gods, I'm such a pathetic hypochondriac. Outside warning signs: fidgeting (more than usual), reaching for my glass/cup a lot, yawning/sighing a lot. I can be distracted and slightly snappish. I don't wheeze. I don't complain about shortness of breath (if I say anything at all, I might mention I'm feeling a bit twitchy).

Eventually I realise I'm holding my breath or thinking about breathing constantly and I reach for the emergency inhaler. There's an interval in which I honestly, truly think that this is not asthma, I've been having a pain in my left leg for over a week and oh gods, it's a pulmonary embolism and I'm going to die and then the salbutamol kicks in and I feel so relieved I cry. This one's visible, unsurprisingly. I'm likely apologising for making a fuss and for being weird and oh god, oxygen is my best friend ever! And then I'm weepy with relief and stress and anxiety for a while longer, because that's just how adrenaline come-down works for me. I may or may not be pathetically asking for hugs. I will probably want to talk about the bit where I totally nearly just died. I realise this is not exactly fun for all the family and it sure as hell is not fun from this side either. Just bear with me. Possibly tell me bad off-colour jokes.

See, the single most distressing thing about having an asthma attack2 is how incredibly anxious and scared I get every single time. You'd think eventually your brain and body learn that this is business as usual and there's no need to go into full panic mode every time there's a blip on the radar. But of course it won't ever learn because we're fucking around with a survival necessity here and a brain/body that doesn't start getting at least mildly distressed at not getting sufficient air is not one long for this world. So out come the flashing red lights and the whoopwhooping and the 'this is not a drill! I repeat, this is not a drill!' survival instincts.

I don't want to make a scene. I'm not trying to be the centre of attention and being put there because of an attack will likely make it worse because whoo, social anxiety! The thing is, I can't stop it by willpower. I can't control it once it gets going. All there is is emergency relief and riding it out.

Huh. I've just described an almost classic panic attack. This makes absolute sense, with the difference that I can't stop a 'normal' panic attack with a blue inhaler.

Also, I'm calling the GP tomorrow to see if this is normal or if we need to up my steroids.

1 You know, apart from that pesky not being able to breathe properly thing.
2 See 1.
sessifet: (Snuggly)
For I had none tonight. I tried everything. I drank warm milk. I meditated. I did yoga. I took the dog for a walk (who, after first looking at me like I grew a second head when I jingled the leash at her at 4 in the bloody morning, was more than happy to accompany me on my wanderings). I drank more warm milk. I contemplated smashing my head against the wall. I contemplated drink. I decided against drink. What I didn't do was take melatonin. And that's because I had none.

I ended up dozing from 5 a.m. until 7 a.m., which really didn't help matters. Went to work doing my best impression of a zombie. Somehow managed to get through the morning without doing any damage whatsoever. Did find out that one of my co-workers is a huge fan of snuggling, so my lunch break was nice. Yay for snuggles.

Got home around half past 2 and decided to do this whole sleep thing. Didn't work because a) I can't really sleep during the day and b) I really can't sleep during the day when I get dragged out of my cosy bed by a mother who tells me "no sleep during the day! That's what you do at night!".

For some reason, my counter-argument along the lines of "Sod off, you crazy bint. I haven't had any last night." didn't have the desired result. I am therefore still awake. And behind the computer. And contemplating matricide. Or suicide. Whichever costs me less energy.

All in all: Tiiiiiiiiiired! Wanna go beeeeeed! Wanna sleep! Wannasnuggle! (not necessarily in that order).

I'll be back when I sound less like a brain-dead five year old girl.
sessifet: (Snuggly)
For I had none tonight. I tried everything. I drank warm milk. I meditated. I did yoga. I took the dog for a walk (who, after first looking at me like I grew a second head when I jingled the leash at her at 4 in the bloody morning, was more than happy to accompany me on my wanderings). I drank more warm milk. I contemplated smashing my head against the wall. I contemplated drink. I decided against drink. What I didn't do was take melatonin. And that's because I had none.

I ended up dozing from 5 a.m. until 7 a.m., which really didn't help matters. Went to work doing my best impression of a zombie. Somehow managed to get through the morning without doing any damage whatsoever. Did find out that one of my co-workers is a huge fan of snuggling, so my lunch break was nice. Yay for snuggles.

Got home around half past 2 and decided to do this whole sleep thing. Didn't work because a) I can't really sleep during the day and b) I really can't sleep during the day when I get dragged out of my cosy bed by a mother who tells me "no sleep during the day! That's what you do at night!".

For some reason, my counter-argument along the lines of "Sod off, you crazy bint. I haven't had any last night." didn't have the desired result. I am therefore still awake. And behind the computer. And contemplating matricide. Or suicide. Whichever costs me less energy.

All in all: Tiiiiiiiiiired! Wanna go beeeeeed! Wanna sleep! Wannasnuggle! (not necessarily in that order).

I'll be back when I sound less like a brain-dead five year old girl.
sessifet: (Default)
A new experience: updating from work!

This is going to be a fun day. I only had 3 hours of sleep last night (which one of you thought it was a good idea to pass the insomnia fairy my way?), and today we're going to have quite a few powerpoint presentations. What joy.

I fear I will have to resort to sugar to keep awake today. I should've brought my jar of G&B's.
sessifet: (Default)
A new experience: updating from work!

This is going to be a fun day. I only had 3 hours of sleep last night (which one of you thought it was a good idea to pass the insomnia fairy my way?), and today we're going to have quite a few powerpoint presentations. What joy.

I fear I will have to resort to sugar to keep awake today. I should've brought my jar of G&B's.
sessifet: (Default)
I had three hours of sleep again last night. Combine that with not getting more than 5 or so hours of effective sleep every night for the past 2 weeks, and you can see why I'm cranky.

In fact, I don't think it can be termed 'cranky' anymore. It's reached a whole new and interesting level. So, what do you call it when you have the urge to nut everyone you meet in the face just so they won't talk to you? You know, apart from homocidal sociopathic maniac to be avoided at all costs, even when it means you have to cross the street which you don't normally do because it looks odd.

*looks at above sentence*

Guh.

Sod it. I'm going with inarticulate homocidal sociopathic maniac.
sessifet: (Default)
I had three hours of sleep again last night. Combine that with not getting more than 5 or so hours of effective sleep every night for the past 2 weeks, and you can see why I'm cranky.

In fact, I don't think it can be termed 'cranky' anymore. It's reached a whole new and interesting level. So, what do you call it when you have the urge to nut everyone you meet in the face just so they won't talk to you? You know, apart from homocidal sociopathic maniac to be avoided at all costs, even when it means you have to cross the street which you don't normally do because it looks odd.

*looks at above sentence*

Guh.

Sod it. I'm going with inarticulate homocidal sociopathic maniac.

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