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sessifetInbetween working faults and waiting for testing to finish, I've been reading this blog about the London Ambulance Service control room. I've been both amused, horrified and moved to tears while reading this.
This entry and its comments has made me think about words and how people use them and, in a way, the inadequacies of the English language. I've seen that the words (in any langauge) people use to describe suicide is (understandably) emotionally very charged and I'm not trying to diminish that. What vexes me is that my personal preference is...not possible to convey in English.
Now, I know I am slightly odd in that I will use words that to me have no emotional weight at all. When speaking in Dutch, I distinguish between 'egocentrisch' and 'egoistisch'. To me, the first is somewhat negatively charged but still on the neutral scale, while the second one is almost entirely neutral, possibly even completely objective. English does not have this distinction as far as I can determine. There's 'egocentric' (literal translation of the first Dutch phrase) and 'selfish' (most common translation of the second phrase). There's 'egoistic', which does convey a sense of neutrality, but it is not common usage at all and most people go 'bwuh?' when I use it.
Quick glossary for my brain:
Egocentrisch/Egocentric: person cannot conceive or has difficulty conceiving that the world is seperate from their own experience and (to a certain extent) that the word does not centre around them. This covers things from young children and teenagers to those in the autistic spectrum (please note: this does not make them automatically selfish!). Hell, it even covers most well-adjusted adults during times of stress and it definitely covers a lot of IT support ('how the hell can you not know that?!" right up until the moment they see the world from the user/first line/second line's perspective and go 'oh...that's how.'.) Even though it is technically a neutral term, it still has a lot of negative connotation for most people that I talk to.
Egoistisch/Egoistic: There's moral egoism (which I will pretty much always term as 'selfish') and technical egoism, and it's the second meaning I refer to when I use the word (either in Dutch or English). It is the neutral version of 'looking out for number one': the human tendency to self-preservation, be it mentally, physically, emotionally etc etc. It is running the hell away if you've just seen someone being stabbed or when you see a fight, for example. It's falling apart and curling up into a ball gibbering insanely when the world turns into a horrific place.
And then there's 'selfish'. In my experience and in my mind, 'selfish' has nothing but negative connotations. It is putting yourself above everyone else because you feel you deserve it. It is willingly depriving others of their chance at the same slice of cake because you are more entitled to it. It is 'mememe, what about me!' without regard for anyone else in this world.
Because 'selfish' has such an overwhelmingly negative connotation and 'egocentric' is also hardly a positive word, the English language overall does not appear to have a neutral and objective word to describe someone who's committed suicide. You will see comments saying that someone who commits suicide is 'egocentric' at best and 'selfish' at worse and it bloody well gets my goat. I was going to explain this in a reasoned and calm manner, but coincidentally, my friend's sister called me about an hour and a half ago while I was pondering and writing and it has just changed the whole thing.
So here goes:
Two years ago this Easter, my friend committed suicide only a few months after she was diagnosed with clinical depression. She got put on medication and seemed to be doing okay. She had a wonderful partner and a lovely child. She seemingly had everything to live for. Until she took their car to a secluded spot and put a bullet through her brain, that is. Why? None of us knew, even though there was a letter, and there were wild speculations and inappropriate remarks and hysterical laughter*. As I said, my friend's sister called and mentioned that, while she was helping her sister's partner and child move, she found a few diaries.
Unfortunately, one of them confirmed what we already suspected. There was nothing concrete that 'flipped the switch', so to speak. It was not an overall feeling of crushing despair or anything like that. To my friend, everything was...grey. There was nothing. There was no end in sight, just an image of a never-ending vista of dullness and grey and pointlessness. No joy, no pain, no life. There was nothing. It was all futile and there was nothing she could do to change that. It would always be this way. She could not face that. Life is for the living and not for those who just mimic it, so she ended what she felt was not a real life anymore. Egocentric? Yes. Egoistic? Quite probably. Selfish? Fuck. No. Not ever.
Someone who commits suicide or tries to is not selfish. Ever. Do not use this phrase anywhere within hearing range as I will come down on you like a ton of bricks. I can deal with egocentric. I can definitely deal with egoistic. I can't deal with selfish. Say they were misguided, or blinded or that the balance of their mind was disturbed, but do not use selfish. Committing suicide is about as far from selfish as one could get. Ask anyone who has ever seriously tried it (yes, I am one of them) and they will tell you a story that has fuck-all to do with selfishness. They will tell you 'it all got too much' (egoistic or egocentric depending on the circumstances), 'no-one will miss me' (egocentric), 'it'll be better for them when I am gone' (see the first example), 'I just want the pain to end' (egoistic), 'they'll all be sorry when I am gone' (egocentric and egoistic).
With those who actually succeed, if you're lucky there's going to be some sort of explanation. My friend's family got one, of a sort. Sometimes, you don't even get that and your loved one appears to have just up and gone. Of course you're angry and upset and you can't believe they pulled this on you. Imagine how terrible it would be to have to deal with this anger and rage and pain and then have someone who has no idea as to what you're going through, or what went through your loved one's mind at the time, claim that they were 'selfish' and that they were a bad parent/child/partner.
So don't. Just...don't. If you find yourself with the urge to say/type 'they were selfish', please slap yourself until sense returns. If you decide against this course of action and mention that phrase in my vicinity, don't worry. I will happily slap you until you get some fucking sense and, since I am a very stubborn and determined person in some ways, it might take a long while.
*I spoke to her partner and sister shortly after it happened. You know what they were angry about? The fact she took out their new car (one owner from new) and blew her brains out all over the upholstery. If that doesn't tell you how screwed up the human brain gets when confronted with sudden death, nothing does.
This entry and its comments has made me think about words and how people use them and, in a way, the inadequacies of the English language. I've seen that the words (in any langauge) people use to describe suicide is (understandably) emotionally very charged and I'm not trying to diminish that. What vexes me is that my personal preference is...not possible to convey in English.
Now, I know I am slightly odd in that I will use words that to me have no emotional weight at all. When speaking in Dutch, I distinguish between 'egocentrisch' and 'egoistisch'. To me, the first is somewhat negatively charged but still on the neutral scale, while the second one is almost entirely neutral, possibly even completely objective. English does not have this distinction as far as I can determine. There's 'egocentric' (literal translation of the first Dutch phrase) and 'selfish' (most common translation of the second phrase). There's 'egoistic', which does convey a sense of neutrality, but it is not common usage at all and most people go 'bwuh?' when I use it.
Quick glossary for my brain:
Egocentrisch/Egocentric: person cannot conceive or has difficulty conceiving that the world is seperate from their own experience and (to a certain extent) that the word does not centre around them. This covers things from young children and teenagers to those in the autistic spectrum (please note: this does not make them automatically selfish!). Hell, it even covers most well-adjusted adults during times of stress and it definitely covers a lot of IT support ('how the hell can you not know that?!" right up until the moment they see the world from the user/first line/second line's perspective and go 'oh...that's how.'.) Even though it is technically a neutral term, it still has a lot of negative connotation for most people that I talk to.
Egoistisch/Egoistic: There's moral egoism (which I will pretty much always term as 'selfish') and technical egoism, and it's the second meaning I refer to when I use the word (either in Dutch or English). It is the neutral version of 'looking out for number one': the human tendency to self-preservation, be it mentally, physically, emotionally etc etc. It is running the hell away if you've just seen someone being stabbed or when you see a fight, for example. It's falling apart and curling up into a ball gibbering insanely when the world turns into a horrific place.
And then there's 'selfish'. In my experience and in my mind, 'selfish' has nothing but negative connotations. It is putting yourself above everyone else because you feel you deserve it. It is willingly depriving others of their chance at the same slice of cake because you are more entitled to it. It is 'mememe, what about me!' without regard for anyone else in this world.
Because 'selfish' has such an overwhelmingly negative connotation and 'egocentric' is also hardly a positive word, the English language overall does not appear to have a neutral and objective word to describe someone who's committed suicide. You will see comments saying that someone who commits suicide is 'egocentric' at best and 'selfish' at worse and it bloody well gets my goat. I was going to explain this in a reasoned and calm manner, but coincidentally, my friend's sister called me about an hour and a half ago while I was pondering and writing and it has just changed the whole thing.
So here goes:
Two years ago this Easter, my friend committed suicide only a few months after she was diagnosed with clinical depression. She got put on medication and seemed to be doing okay. She had a wonderful partner and a lovely child. She seemingly had everything to live for. Until she took their car to a secluded spot and put a bullet through her brain, that is. Why? None of us knew, even though there was a letter, and there were wild speculations and inappropriate remarks and hysterical laughter*. As I said, my friend's sister called and mentioned that, while she was helping her sister's partner and child move, she found a few diaries.
Unfortunately, one of them confirmed what we already suspected. There was nothing concrete that 'flipped the switch', so to speak. It was not an overall feeling of crushing despair or anything like that. To my friend, everything was...grey. There was nothing. There was no end in sight, just an image of a never-ending vista of dullness and grey and pointlessness. No joy, no pain, no life. There was nothing. It was all futile and there was nothing she could do to change that. It would always be this way. She could not face that. Life is for the living and not for those who just mimic it, so she ended what she felt was not a real life anymore. Egocentric? Yes. Egoistic? Quite probably. Selfish? Fuck. No. Not ever.
Someone who commits suicide or tries to is not selfish. Ever. Do not use this phrase anywhere within hearing range as I will come down on you like a ton of bricks. I can deal with egocentric. I can definitely deal with egoistic. I can't deal with selfish. Say they were misguided, or blinded or that the balance of their mind was disturbed, but do not use selfish. Committing suicide is about as far from selfish as one could get. Ask anyone who has ever seriously tried it (yes, I am one of them) and they will tell you a story that has fuck-all to do with selfishness. They will tell you 'it all got too much' (egoistic or egocentric depending on the circumstances), 'no-one will miss me' (egocentric), 'it'll be better for them when I am gone' (see the first example), 'I just want the pain to end' (egoistic), 'they'll all be sorry when I am gone' (egocentric and egoistic).
With those who actually succeed, if you're lucky there's going to be some sort of explanation. My friend's family got one, of a sort. Sometimes, you don't even get that and your loved one appears to have just up and gone. Of course you're angry and upset and you can't believe they pulled this on you. Imagine how terrible it would be to have to deal with this anger and rage and pain and then have someone who has no idea as to what you're going through, or what went through your loved one's mind at the time, claim that they were 'selfish' and that they were a bad parent/child/partner.
So don't. Just...don't. If you find yourself with the urge to say/type 'they were selfish', please slap yourself until sense returns. If you decide against this course of action and mention that phrase in my vicinity, don't worry. I will happily slap you until you get some fucking sense and, since I am a very stubborn and determined person in some ways, it might take a long while.
*I spoke to her partner and sister shortly after it happened. You know what they were angry about? The fact she took out their new car (one owner from new) and blew her brains out all over the upholstery. If that doesn't tell you how screwed up the human brain gets when confronted with sudden death, nothing does.
