Oh, sweet baby cyclops on a pogostick
Sep. 1st, 2008 05:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sessifetShort version for those who can't be arsed to hunt down and read the previous entries: have been trying to get a UK bank account for the past nine months. Have been failing spectacularly. In the course of trying to get this little thing done have coined the phrase 'arse-buggering festering twatmuffin', have likened the process to removing teeth with someone else's fingers. Have seriously considered blowing Gordon Brown if this would help me get a bank account. Gave up on HSBC and tried NatWest. Gave up on NatWest and went back to HSBC. Have been told not to touch Royal Bank of Scotland, not even with someone else bargepole. Wandered into Lloyds but they were so busy at that time I wandered out again.
The last post I made about this was hopeful. All I needed to do was get two letters: one from my agency and one from my umbrella company. Now, the first wasn't too bad. I only had to call them twice and email them once to get this sorted. I have the letter. Umbrella company was a bit more difficult and I still haven't got a letter by post, but I managed to get a headed letter as an attachment by email.
Today I tried calling the helpful HSBC lady on the telephone number found on the business card she gave me. I call the number and get an IVR. This says the following 'If you are an existing HSBC customer, please enter your branch sort code. For credit card inquiries, please enter your 16-digit credit card number.' I wait. I try to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach. After 30 seconds silence I get 'I'm sorry, I did not get a response. Please enter your branch sort code or your 16-digit credit card number.' I wait again. 'I'm sorry...' I press #. 'I'm sorry, I did not understand your response.' I bang my head against a wall. 'I'm sorry, I did not understand your response.' There is no way for me to request to speak with a person.
I hang up and flail. I hunt for a sort code and find none. I search for an alternate phone number and find none. I flail some more on #afp and people are helpful and supply me with a sort code. I call again and enter a sort code. It requests I put in my account number. I bang my head against a wall. 'I'm sorry, I did not understand your response.' People on #afp are helpful and hunt down a telephone number (thanks, by the way). It is the same phone number every time and the one I've been calling already. I start giggling hysterically.
Housemate hunts down the general number and suggests I request a contact number or to be put through. I call and hit a brick wall. No contact numbers and no way to put me through. I hang up politely and bang my head against a wall. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I am already very angry.
In desperation, I call the Dutch consulate. I talk to a very nice woman who is aghast at how long it's taken me to get this done. I admit I've given up twice just because I couldn't deal with the hoop jumping any more and I sit there crying at someone I've never before met in my entire life. She herself cannot help me, but will ask her coworker to have a look and call me back to see if they can add some political clout to the process. I'd even be happy with 'I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do, but at least you've covered all the avenues,' as I can't tell right now if I'm missing something small but vital. It can't be this difficult, can it?
How in the name of sweet baby Jesus am I supposed to get a hold of someone to finalise my details? I can't get this done by phone as I need to be physically present in a branch. I cannot call the branch because I cannot get through the IVR without a bank account number. I cannot go there on the off chance because they'll not have time and I need to make an appointment then, wasting an hour and seriously risking putting the poor person having to turn me away in an awkward position because no one likes one of their new customers to go completely and utterly bugfuck in public.
I am seriously at the end of my rope. To some it probably looks like I'm letting small things get me down, but it's been going on for nine months now. Every time someone hints that there is light at the end of the tunnel I get hopeful that now will be the time. Now I will get a bank account and can get really going. And every time, the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to show only more tunnel and I can see where I've left my footprints the last three times.
In two days, I will have been here for nine months. In these nine months I have acquired no end of experiences and happiness and new friends and a job and all those things, but I've not got the other most vital things. I've no benefits, no bank account, no job security, no credit history. To all intents and purposes, I do not exist. I cannot start OU courses, I cannot get a loan or overdraft to buy even a shitty car, I cannot really start saving and I live hand to mouth and I'm fucking sick of it.
I just want a bank account. I just want to exist. I want to have something that I can point at which irrefutably says 'There. That's mine. That's me. I exist.'. Is that really too much to ask?
The last post I made about this was hopeful. All I needed to do was get two letters: one from my agency and one from my umbrella company. Now, the first wasn't too bad. I only had to call them twice and email them once to get this sorted. I have the letter. Umbrella company was a bit more difficult and I still haven't got a letter by post, but I managed to get a headed letter as an attachment by email.
Today I tried calling the helpful HSBC lady on the telephone number found on the business card she gave me. I call the number and get an IVR. This says the following 'If you are an existing HSBC customer, please enter your branch sort code. For credit card inquiries, please enter your 16-digit credit card number.' I wait. I try to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach. After 30 seconds silence I get 'I'm sorry, I did not get a response. Please enter your branch sort code or your 16-digit credit card number.' I wait again. 'I'm sorry...' I press #. 'I'm sorry, I did not understand your response.' I bang my head against a wall. 'I'm sorry, I did not understand your response.' There is no way for me to request to speak with a person.
I hang up and flail. I hunt for a sort code and find none. I search for an alternate phone number and find none. I flail some more on #afp and people are helpful and supply me with a sort code. I call again and enter a sort code. It requests I put in my account number. I bang my head against a wall. 'I'm sorry, I did not understand your response.' People on #afp are helpful and hunt down a telephone number (thanks, by the way). It is the same phone number every time and the one I've been calling already. I start giggling hysterically.
Housemate hunts down the general number and suggests I request a contact number or to be put through. I call and hit a brick wall. No contact numbers and no way to put me through. I hang up politely and bang my head against a wall. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I am already very angry.
In desperation, I call the Dutch consulate. I talk to a very nice woman who is aghast at how long it's taken me to get this done. I admit I've given up twice just because I couldn't deal with the hoop jumping any more and I sit there crying at someone I've never before met in my entire life. She herself cannot help me, but will ask her coworker to have a look and call me back to see if they can add some political clout to the process. I'd even be happy with 'I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do, but at least you've covered all the avenues,' as I can't tell right now if I'm missing something small but vital. It can't be this difficult, can it?
How in the name of sweet baby Jesus am I supposed to get a hold of someone to finalise my details? I can't get this done by phone as I need to be physically present in a branch. I cannot call the branch because I cannot get through the IVR without a bank account number. I cannot go there on the off chance because they'll not have time and I need to make an appointment then, wasting an hour and seriously risking putting the poor person having to turn me away in an awkward position because no one likes one of their new customers to go completely and utterly bugfuck in public.
I am seriously at the end of my rope. To some it probably looks like I'm letting small things get me down, but it's been going on for nine months now. Every time someone hints that there is light at the end of the tunnel I get hopeful that now will be the time. Now I will get a bank account and can get really going. And every time, the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to show only more tunnel and I can see where I've left my footprints the last three times.
In two days, I will have been here for nine months. In these nine months I have acquired no end of experiences and happiness and new friends and a job and all those things, but I've not got the other most vital things. I've no benefits, no bank account, no job security, no credit history. To all intents and purposes, I do not exist. I cannot start OU courses, I cannot get a loan or overdraft to buy even a shitty car, I cannot really start saving and I live hand to mouth and I'm fucking sick of it.
I just want a bank account. I just want to exist. I want to have something that I can point at which irrefutably says 'There. That's mine. That's me. I exist.'. Is that really too much to ask?
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no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 04:26 pm (UTC)But sometimes you can get to an operator by pressing "0" during the phone menu.
Sometimes online there are websites (again in the US)where people have researched how to get past the phone trees of various companies. You might look for the real contact numbers or extensions online.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 05:08 pm (UTC)Then again, sane IVR systems would put you through to an operator after a timeout.
I hate IVR systems with a passion, even more so since they've gone voice-activated ("Please say your account number" - Errm, wouldn't it be less error-prone if I just typed it on this handy numeric keypad that's permanently attached to this phone?).
And re bank accounts: I shall have a chat with our local (on-campus) NatWest branch. They made the process completely pain & hassle-free for me, and I seriously wonder why they can't do this for others?
(I believe
no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 06:05 pm (UTC)Here...not so much (and of course, I am not a student and therefore not as attractive a prospective customer). I don't know. Maybe it's the lack of big stick that I know hovers over banks and such in .nl.
So tomorrow I'm going to go into the branch and tell them to sort me out then, because it isn't my fault they gave me a wrong number.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 04:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 06:53 pm (UTC):)
no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 07:04 pm (UTC)However, I highly doubt that whoever you eventually speak to will be able to help, because they're in a call centre in India. They MAY be able to put you through to the branch, but I wouldn't count on it.
It'll be much easier to go in and discuss it in person.
Have you tried Barclays?
no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 08:52 pm (UTC)I'll keep trying with HSBC for now, purely because adding another bank to the mix will make things even more complicated.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 07:57 pm (UTC)Have you looked at first direct?
They do nearly everything by phone or interwebs - if you have to pay stuff in you go to a branch - and yes, they're owned by HSBC, but I've been with them for over a decade now and they've been pretty good - and they're always jolly nice on the phone.
Contact details here in case they're any use :- http://www.firstdirect.com/contact_us.shtml
no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 08:51 pm (UTC)If I'd just gone in today and asked for an appointment, I would have been completely fine. It's the fact she asked me to call beforehand and use the number on the card which then doesn't work that completely drove me around the bend.
In and of itself not too bad, but as yet another obstacle on this road, I just lost it and flailed.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-02 06:10 am (UTC)I suspect they'd probably do that by post, but that would take longer and there's the added risk of losing things in the post, especially if sending originals, so I can see why you's probably not want to do that...
Completely understandable when you've been messed about so much.
Good luck with getting it sorted soon.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 08:58 pm (UTC)Pop into the branch to make the appointment, then go back for it at whatever time. A pain in the arse, but it will probably resolve things.
If you still end up stuck, I would be happy to open a joint account with you at LloydsTSB bank, who know me and would I am sure not ask for too much info about you in order to open it if I was listed as primary account holder. Then I give you any debit cards etc they send me (so you know I can't run off with your money, not that I would anyway) and I ignore the account completely myself whilst you use it. And after 6 months we both write to them and ask them to remove my name from the account, leaving it solely in your name. Bingo, you end up with a bank account.
The offer is there if you need it. Don't like to see you going through all this stress.
Mary x
no subject
Date: 2008-09-01 10:43 pm (UTC)I'd heard of people having trouble, but.....
I'm sure you've covered this angle, and thus it's a stupid idea, but - you mention that you have no benefits. Does that mean that you have no NI number? Have you tried applying for one? I'm fairly (but not entirely) sure that you don't have to have a bank account to get an NI number - although you may have to jump through other hoops to show that you are an EU citizen and not an illegal immigrant, terrorist, or other $DAILY_MAIL_HEADLINE_OF_THE_DAY.
Having NI sorted may not help with the bank thing, but it would at least entitle you to benefits, NHS treatment, etc.. It *might* (or might not...) also help with the bank thing.
I was going to say the same thing about getting yourself on the electoral role, because that *can* help with ID checks, but ISTR you saying in a previous post that this hadn't helped...
If you have the willpower and nothing else is working:
If you haven't been already, keep a log of everything that happens. Who you speak to, when, what they said, what they said they would do, what they actually did, etc. When enough fuckwittery has occurred, write to the bank's managing director and list it all in detail. Send the letter by recorded delivery and explain that if you don't receive a response within 5 working days, you will send the same documentation to the Banking Ombudsman, which is a government body that wields a small but pointy stick. Chances are that the MD's office may then sort it out... and if they don't, you can go to the Ombudsmen, copying the Dutch consulate ("this is how our citizens are being treated"), the Financial Services Authority, your local MP, and anybody else who seems appropriate.
Good luck...
no subject
Date: 2008-09-02 12:29 pm (UTC)Actually, they did create a sort-of account for me. Well, I get a statement about the empty account every few months. I don't have any cards or other details, though.
One thing I did learn was that, when I tried it, you could get through the IVR system by entering a random account number. One comprised entirely of zero did the trick, at least a couple of years ago.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-02 01:11 pm (UTC)*blush*