On reviews and silliness

[sessifet]

So I'm reading reviews for PSE timber (because that's totally a normal way to spend a Thursday evening^* and ran across this one: "i used this to build fitted wardrobes. when i got home and went to use it i descoverd the wood was twisted and curved therefor was not much use." I have to wonder how the fuck you don't notice that while you're in the store actually handling the wood.

...

No, no, it's fine. Just get it out of your system. I'll wait.

...

We good?

Good. As I was about to say, I generally find the reviews on DIY websites baffling. I don't expect professional level reviews at all (because hey, DIY), but I do like to see at least some glimmer of common sense and in the last two months I have seen entirely too many reviews where the reviewer gives a low score because they've lost sight of common sense or couldn't even see it using a telescope. I've seen such gems as:

- I used this plastic splashback behind my hob and it melted! - It specifically states it's an acrylic and should only be used as decoration in addition to the heat resistant version they also sell. That's why the decorative splashback is labelled not heat resistant.
- These cabinets won't fit against my kitchen wall! They're not straight! I want my money back! - I'm fairly certain your walls aren't straight. This is why you build wood frameworks, children!
- This colour paint does not go with my curtains! - They're called testers. Learn them. Love and squeeze them and call them George.
- The [really crappy 10p tiles I got on clearance] are already cracking! I wuz robbed! - You do get what you pay for, I'm afraid.
- I spent [obscene amount of money] on [really quite ostentatious] floor tiles. They're already cracking! How do I get my money back? - You neglected to mention you're laying tile straight on wooden floors. That's never going to end well. It even says so in all the instructions everywhere.

And the really egregious:

- I didn't get my 5 free gifts with this order. The girls in the office were really upset they didn't get their free [staplers/coffee mugs/tasers]. This company sucks! - It says during ordering that there's only one gift per order. On each page as well! Also, fuck you for using 'the girls' in your office to try and scam free shit from companies.
- [Product] did not [fart rainbows/scatter glitter/solve world hunger/make my shitty [insert noun here] look magically better] and is therefore horrible. - I wish to fire you from a cannon. Repeatedly. Until you're really sorry.
- [Product] is too expensive! I have never used [product] but [other product] is cheaper and clearly superior! Anyone who buys [product] is supporting the [insert random conspiracy theory here] - I have a hammer. Its name is Lars. Lars does not approve of these shenanigans and neither do I.
- I used [product designed for indoor use only] on my outside [wall/floor/dog/cat] and now it's [peeling off/cracking/oozing/dead]. This product is rubbish! - I loathe you and all you stand for. And give me all your remaining cats and dogs before you decide to experiment some more.

Apropos to nothing much, it looks like it will cost about £180 to completely replace the bathroom floorboards.

...why are you looking at me like that?

^* I'm not budgeting the bathroom floorboard replacement. Honest. Anyone who tells you differently is a lying liar that lies...)

Comments

[spiffikins]

heh. I am by NO MEANS any kind of DIYer, but even I know that walls are NOT straight. Ever.

[xidia.livejournal.com]

People are stupid. They are there for entertainment purposes, I think. What? You mean I'm not supposed to laugh at them? :)

[swaldman.livejournal.com]

I had a teacher once who became fairly unpopular for examining the wood for sale at a DIY store, and then going up to the Customer Services desk and politely enquiring "Do you have any timber that is good for making things other than propellers?"

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

.. I read that as frothboards...