sessifet: (Llama face)
[personal profile] sessifet
Yesterday was somewhat productive, but overall, I'd have to class it as a bad day and the same goes for today. I'm not sad or angry or anything like that. I'm just overly concerned with social awkwardness (both causing and experiencing), going out and being around people (and the thought of it) is causing me anxiety. I also spent most of yesterday evening considering first causes. What was the trigger for my depression? Is there one or am I just irredeemably broken? Today that's still present and morphing into wondering if I'm I not depressed, but just a horrible person? I also keep catching myself fearing that Alex is hiding that he no longer loves me. This is a new one. Normally I just fear he's died in the night whenever he has a lie-in. *

So yeah, the brainweasels are out in force doing their obnoxious "Are you sure the meds are working? Are you sure you're depressed? You're not a doctor. You don't know this stuff. It must be cancer! People hate you!" dance.

Still, I'm functional. I'm not huddled up wanting to not exist. And about an hour ago I twigged this is hormonal and required chocolate application. Going to Tesco's to acquire said chocolate while in this state was....an experience in itself. I don't like going to shops on Saturday because of the number of people is enough to make me anxious on a good day, so I spent the whole five minutes wanting to either scream or punch things. I didn't, so that was a win. I also didn't buy alcohol. I thought about it for a second and then consciously decided not to, and I'm giving myself props for that as well.

So yes, it's a bad day, but it's not crippling me. This, too, is progress.

* My obsessive-compulsive fears come in all kinds of exciting flavours! At least I've stopped poking him awake...

Date: 2014-02-08 04:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xidia.livejournal.com
You're not a horrible person, sweetie. You're unbelievably kind, funny and warm-hearted.

I found identifying the root causes of thought patterns useful, in as much as I could then change them, but trying to find an overall root cause for my depression to be an exercise in futility. This may or may not be helpful to you...

Date: 2014-02-09 12:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] swaldman.livejournal.com
I've even go as far as to day that you are fairly high in the ranking of the not-horridness of people :-)

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