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I am not nice.*
I know some of you will disagree and some of you would do so rather vehemently if I said this in person**. I've experienced this. 'But you are nice,' has usually been the response.
Until a few days ago, I was unable to argue the point any further and basically let it go for fear of turning into a trawler for compliments. The thing is this: I may be nice, but this does not mean I am a nice person. 'Nice' to me implies a certain personality type I know I do not have. I've met a few inherently nice people and the difference is rather obvious. I work at getting along with people and being nice. This has partly to do with a need to be liked and mostly to do with preferring to be with happy people who like being around me. Happy people make me happy. Making people happy makes me happy.
Simply put, I sense what other people feel. Whether it's an innate ability to read more subtle clues to body language than most or something more is irrelevant here. When I'm stressed, I can't shut out emotions that are not mine. So I try to change them. With strangers or friends, I learnt to be a chameleon early on in life, because if I was what people thought I was or wanted me to be, they were happy. And that made me feel happy. A rather insidious self-defense mechanism, I'm sure you'll agree.
It's got better over the years and I'm no longer desperate to be whatever anyone else wants me to be, but there is still a part of me that prefers being around happy people. I will therefore work at being a likable person. So you see, if you tell me I am nice, I can't tell if you're being sincere, or if I've manipulated you into thinking I am nice.
Moving on (but still somewhat related).
I have walls. The walls have crenelations and towers. There is a machine gun nest. I have a pack of rabid attack weasels somewhere. The moat is filled with Shrieking Eels and there's a fire breathing dragon guarding the main gate. Also? Snake-filled pit somewhere as well. I need my walls. They're what keeps me sane most of the time. Do not ever ask me to remove them. It's like asking me to undress in a crowded theatre. I have been asked to do this. The walls, not the clothes.
I am not easy***. I'll admit I'm easy to get along with on a superficial level, but it all changes when you move past acquaintances. This is because I wear masks. I have any number of them that I will wear at any given time. The people who do see me without are few and far between and I trust them with my life. Being my partner or a potential partner does not mean you will see me without a mask. It does not even give you a right to it. It certainly does not give you the right to ask me to remove mine. (Yes, I have also been asked to take those off.)
So in short: I am not easy. I am not nice. I am not beyond manipulation. I can be selfish and seemingly unwilling to deal with difficult issues. I do not let all and sundry see what I'm thinking, and you are more likely to be all and sundry. Be happy, because my mind is not necessarily a happy place.
* Don't worry, this is not a litany of what is wrong with me. I also won't suddenly confess to murdering small cute baby animals when I was a child.
** But I'm not, so you'll have to sit there and see where this leads like the rest. So there. :P
*** Feel free to go 'hurhurhur' and move on at the back there.
I know some of you will disagree and some of you would do so rather vehemently if I said this in person**. I've experienced this. 'But you are nice,' has usually been the response.
Until a few days ago, I was unable to argue the point any further and basically let it go for fear of turning into a trawler for compliments. The thing is this: I may be nice, but this does not mean I am a nice person. 'Nice' to me implies a certain personality type I know I do not have. I've met a few inherently nice people and the difference is rather obvious. I work at getting along with people and being nice. This has partly to do with a need to be liked and mostly to do with preferring to be with happy people who like being around me. Happy people make me happy. Making people happy makes me happy.
Simply put, I sense what other people feel. Whether it's an innate ability to read more subtle clues to body language than most or something more is irrelevant here. When I'm stressed, I can't shut out emotions that are not mine. So I try to change them. With strangers or friends, I learnt to be a chameleon early on in life, because if I was what people thought I was or wanted me to be, they were happy. And that made me feel happy. A rather insidious self-defense mechanism, I'm sure you'll agree.
It's got better over the years and I'm no longer desperate to be whatever anyone else wants me to be, but there is still a part of me that prefers being around happy people. I will therefore work at being a likable person. So you see, if you tell me I am nice, I can't tell if you're being sincere, or if I've manipulated you into thinking I am nice.
Moving on (but still somewhat related).
I have walls. The walls have crenelations and towers. There is a machine gun nest. I have a pack of rabid attack weasels somewhere. The moat is filled with Shrieking Eels and there's a fire breathing dragon guarding the main gate. Also? Snake-filled pit somewhere as well. I need my walls. They're what keeps me sane most of the time. Do not ever ask me to remove them. It's like asking me to undress in a crowded theatre. I have been asked to do this. The walls, not the clothes.
I am not easy***. I'll admit I'm easy to get along with on a superficial level, but it all changes when you move past acquaintances. This is because I wear masks. I have any number of them that I will wear at any given time. The people who do see me without are few and far between and I trust them with my life. Being my partner or a potential partner does not mean you will see me without a mask. It does not even give you a right to it. It certainly does not give you the right to ask me to remove mine. (Yes, I have also been asked to take those off.)
So in short: I am not easy. I am not nice. I am not beyond manipulation. I can be selfish and seemingly unwilling to deal with difficult issues. I do not let all and sundry see what I'm thinking, and you are more likely to be all and sundry. Be happy, because my mind is not necessarily a happy place.
* Don't worry, this is not a litany of what is wrong with me. I also won't suddenly confess to murdering small cute baby animals when I was a child.
** But I'm not, so you'll have to sit there and see where this leads like the rest. So there. :P
*** Feel free to go 'hurhurhur' and move on at the back there.
